Whoa Whoa Whoa Feelings

As usual I stay in my feelings and I’m becoming more annoyed when people try to tell me what to feel. Why have feelings if you can’t feel them? This all comes to the subject of Junior. No, I’m not completely over it. I have my moments. Because I have moments, feelings are still there. This ain’t about how he feels. I’m very aware of how he feels. I’ve accepted it. I think about things he said and things he did. I don’t care what anyone says I do believe I mattered to him, he cared about me. The type of person he is I can’t see all of it as a lie. I don’t like someone telling me something about him that I don’t think is true. I know he could come off as an asshole. I felt some type of way about him before I met him because of what people said. He don’t tolerate mess and can be brutally straight up at times. At the same time it made me feel safe. I felt like he had my back. I saw a sensitive side that very few people ever saw. When I was with him, I felt special. I felt loved and if it was a lie it felt better than anything else I ever had. As I said numerous times it was passionate. Not that I could, I don't ever want to forget what we shared. I wanted to put a title on it, some type of description on it but Love is the only thing that fits. For me it was a totally different level so until I find that type of romance, passion again I can't settle for anything else. Junior was a different breed of man. When it comes to all the bad stuff, he's was probably the worst. I had a bad habit of provoking him because I wanted his attention. I wanted him to be more understanding and he wanted needed me to be understanding. He had to go home. I was thinking only of me and what I wanted. Anyway I didn't mea to get into that part. Just that my feelings my not right but it is what it is until I'm completely over it. I've come a long way from where I was with him, it just takes time. I'm still hoping I find a good dude to come along and help me totally forget about Junior. I do feel like Brooklyn and I have potential but as long as he's there and I'm here, it's not going to happen. He won't ask me to come sp that means he's just not that into me as he claim to be. It feels like something's there. I love our connection. We have the best conversations. He makes me laugh. He opens up. Right now his only flaw is he doesn't want to hear me. He thinks I just be talking and I don't like when I'm being straight up with someone and they don't have any faith in me. So I'm glad he's 700 miles away. We talk time to time. I told him I wanted him to come see me for my birthday which is Thursday but that's not happening. I got an early gift from a friend. Quid pro quo tho. SO I guess it's no a gift. If it wasn't my birthday I wouldn't have gotten it. Not my idea of love. Anyway back to Junior every chance I got I used to call him from different numbers. I had to laugh at myself when I called from Tonyel house and he has it blocked. I don't even get to Tonyel house like that. Lol. I haven't called my new job yet. So I am doing better. Since I we had revival in Oct. I have been feeling better. Finally got a job that I like and fits me. It's actually a job I wanted so God blessed me with that. Now I need to find a place to live and I'm good. I might stick around Hartsville a lil while longer. Keep the beach for vacations. I'll see. Now that I'm working maybe I can meet someone decent. A colleague. Not a client, especially a not criminal client.