You'd Think I'd Do Better.

He had me feeling like this. I thought I had that old thing back.

I don’t want to write because it’s bad. The only time I really need to write is when something is wrong. New Year’s Eve I went out since was it my cousin birthday. I never be expecting to hook up with anyone because it’s Hartsville. Nothing but trash in the Ville, nothing I’m looking for resides in Hartsville. But I got to talking with one of Derrick friends. I was just speaking to be nice. We all just hung out Thanksgiving night. I have no idea how we got on the subject of going out but I agreed. I gave him my number which is usually hard for me. Not this time, no stressing or hesitation. I didn’t think he would call me that night. He wanted to talk and I wanted to sleep. I was tired. My phone end up dying while we were talking. I didn’t want him to think something was wrong but I didn’t bother to call him back either. The next day I did tell him my phone died. I told him we could pick up on the conversation Later, but he said he wanted to see me instead. I was feeling apprehensive, but I just went with it. I’m not used to guys being like this and I also thought it was too fast. I’m still thinking I don’t know if I want to deal with him. He was always quiet, I never held a conversation with him from the few times I’ve seen him. I just knew of him being with Derrick and Wayne so I assumed he ok people. Anyway later that night we went to Applebee’s to talk. We drank and ate a little. At this point I’m still undecided about him. I was trying to make connections with him. What things we had in common. I like to listen and pick up on certain things. His way of thinking or red flags. Anything that can give me more insight to what type of person he is. I think what got me was when I got home. He walked me to the door. I think I gave him a hug. But he started rubbing my neck and shoulders. Them hands are everything to me. I be wanting to be touched but for him to just do it was something I really liked. He wanted to talk more but I had to work the next day and I’m not a huge fan of talking on the phone. I don’t know when we made plans but the next day he wanted to take me to lunch. He also wanted to pick me up from work and take me out. I guess by now I was ready to see where this was going. He talked good. Maybe too good. It was something about him that made me feel like he was genuine. But I know at the same time I have never been a good judge of character. I’m a trusting person from the beginning. I thought he might have bragged on himself a little too much. I don’t like that. You trying to convince yourself you all that. I still fell for it though. That night we went to Florence. It went down. I wanted it, He said he wasn’t going to bother me but he did. I’m not going to judge him on that cause we both we on the same page. He was nice too. The next day I could still feel him in me. I love that. It was a good night. We ate and talked and fell asleep. I didn’t want to get up and leave the next morning but it was a work day. All day I thought about him. Doing my Scarlett smile, high on love. Now I’m clearly thinking I can do this. I'm feeling him. God had finally answered my prayers. This dude going to be my husband. God has sent him to love and protect me. To put a smile on my face. So we have been a talking on the phone and seeing each other here and there. He got sick and was out of sight for a few days but we talked regularly. I was telling him about my financial troubles and  he suggested flipping some money for me. I was like no I been down that road and got burned badly. Ain’t no way I was about to make that same mistake twice. He let me know he could help me. He didn’t want anything out of it. Just to help me make some extra off of what I had. We dropped it. I wrestled with myself whether or not I can trust him. I didn’t think Wayne and Derrick would be around someone who isn’t of good character. They  don’t roll like that. I met his mother and I do believe she is of good character so I ‘m sure she raised her son to be of good charter. Yes, he maybe in the street but that don’t mean he’s a bad person. Listening to how he talk I still don’t want to believe he is a bad person but I have very poor judgment when it comes to people, men. I decided to give him $360 to flip for me. He said he’d have it for me by Monday.  We talked here and there and I saw him for a minute Friday night but that was it. I don’t want to believe I got, GOT! What else am I to think. He said he was coming over last night but never made it. I said to myself he wasn’t coming. I really can’t believe I let this happen to me again. Not only did he play me, he got my money too. I’m still hoping he pops up. Money tripled instead of doubled. I feel like such a fool again. How do I let this keep happening to me.? He talked so good. My thing is he didn’t have to do all that. HE wanted to meet my daughter and I was weary of that but I allowed it. I was weary of him staying over but I allowed that too. I’m in total disbelief. Him saying he was going to come see me last night and didn’t is a lie to me. So that is in violation of the relationship contract I wanted him to sign. Of course, I’m going to say something to Derrick about what he did. I hope Derrick would at least question him. Why he did that to me?  Not so much Wayne but it would be nice. I felt like this was everything I been waiting for. I could see so clearly Dude being everything Junior was and more. Like always I’m hurt. Not so much about that money either. This keeps happening to me. I feel so stupid. I believed him. I was so happy.  (Scarlett smile)I really felt things were on the up side. I got that job and I’m about to move. I really thought this was it. I was refocus on my PCUSA goals because he lives in Charlotte. Plenty of black churches and seminary.  He even asked me what I wanted Brooklyn to asked me, to go with him. I'm thinking this is all perfect, meant to be. Part of me makes me think he studied me. He said everything right. Our way of thinking is so similar. The  connections I  was looking for were there. He kept saying I know what you want, what you need. I'm your guardian angel. He came to save me. Which I always said I didn't need a hero. I just want a husband. He lied to me. I thought I got it right this time. I did what Dix told me to do, hold back. I never do that and with him it was easy. Everything felt good and right.  He even mentioned he knows I like to rock that mic. I was thinking like who he talked to. Only one person he knows that know me like that.  Was I the topic of discussion and he saw me then decided to plot. I don't know. My mind thinking all types of things. I don't know what to think.  DEVASTATED AGAIN. When Tuesday come I'll know for sure. Only a cruel person can do what I think he has done.  I want so bad to be wrong. Not again. I keep thinking of everything he said to me. Unbelievable.  I only told one person and now I have to tell her how I got played again. She told me to be careful, protect myself and I thought I was doing that. How embarrassing.

So I just left the funeral home and spoke with someone close to him. This man is of good character. So for him to be good friends with Deon is something to me. Everyone he introduced me to is of good character. Not no street type people. Small circle.  Now I'm feeling a little better. I'm thinking he can't be this bad person if he's affiliated with all these good people but I don't understand why he hasn't called me though. What is going on???? He said he was smooth and he ain't lied. I'm holding him to every word he said. I also have to keep in mind his daughter is #1 for him. And she was with him every time we talked. Lord, I been praying, please let Deon be the real deal. His actions right now got me so confused. No call, no show and you got  my money. 

Update January 15, 2019 - It's now Tuesday. I called when I got home from work. He said he text me, Ask why I didn't text back but I told him Sunday I could receive or send texts. I don't know if he did or not. At this point I don't believe him. Our conversation was brief. Because my phone went out. I didn't get to question him. He did say he was still in town, at his mom's. He sound like everything is all good. But it's not. I called him back after I let my phone rest for a minute and he didn't answer. I called a minute ago and no answer. I already know what it is. I'm still in denial. I just don't want it to believe its happen again. I've already broke down a few time. Listening to my Sade theme song this morning I could help but cry. Love can give and get no gain. That's me all the time. Now I'm upset about the money. I told him my story and he took from me anyway. He has to be one cold blooded motherfucker. I let him meet my daughter. This is why she don't want me dating. She tired of people dogging me. I don't know how I'm going to tell her. I'm not going to tell her. I'm so hurt and I feel so stupid. I promise I didn't see this coming. I never do. My trusting heart gets broken every single time. I know I'm a strong black woman but I'm tired of my strength being tested. And with everything that happened, I'm still open to love. Not immediately but in time. For now, I'm going to shut down like I always do.

 

 

This was nine years ago so he's not this young looking anymore. Them eyes still mesmerizing.