Going into this new year with a clean slate. Roster about to be vacant. Just as soon as dude gets back from home. I can’t deal with how he wants to live his life. I don’t have too. Just like he doesn’t have to change his ways for me to stick around. I’m going to try and bow out gracefully but because I’m so jealous, can’t see myself doing that. I want to make a big deal of it. I don’t want him to try to reason with me. It’s lies. He will never stop chasing “stuff”. I like attention and I will never get that from him. I get what he identifies as moments. I deserve so much more. It's now been a week since I heard from him. Part of me wants to call him just to see what the hell is going on. What is his explanation for ghosting me. There is nothing he can say that will make me understand. My phone been off for two days. Another reason why I'm cutting him loose. That girl is the third reason. It's about five altogether, maybe more. But I'm so serious. I can't go on like this. There was another guy who liked me too. So he said but I let him know that I'm NOT ready for a sexual relationship. Especially not with him. I didn't tell him that part. I need some excitement in my life and he ain't it. Plus he don't spend money. He got a good job. Good catch for someone, just not me. I don't think his words match his actions. I called Junior phone on my birthday. I was able to get out one sentence before he hung up on me. I got my feelings hurt. I said, "today my birthday". I should have said the other three words. I was caught off guard because he answered. I called from my work phone. I'll never do that again. I have been having a rough time since October. Actually June when I lost my job. I feel shaded by my family. Even my boys treat me like crap most of the time. Only one who shows me love is Adrianna. Consistent and nonstop. I've fallen back from everyone. My family even notices it and of course they taking it personal. But I'm just reciprocating what I feel from them.
January 10, 2024
My grandbabies are a bright spot but I can't see them like I want. Maybe my expectations are too high. I really want to just stay in that back room with my candle, my beer, and my rolled up in my blanket. Good food when I want it and my medicine when I need. Maybe a cigar here and there with a sip of E&J from my uncle. Lol.
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