Love Comes

It’s been a minute since I last wrote something for my blog. Things have been good for me. One time I felt the world was against me. I was going through it. When I got evicted that was the kicker. I had been down before but never like that.  Malloy did a number on me. First being firing me then kicking me out his house. He denied me getting unemployment. He had the nerve to tell me he’d give me a recommendation. I don’t want nothing for you. I wanted to go in on him but I’m glad I didn’t. He already called me typical. I wasn’t going to give him that satisfaction. I want to see him though. I want him to look me in my eyes.  As they say one monkey don’t stop no show. In his case let’s replace monkey with asshole. Anyway, as I said I’ve been good. I am happy to say when it comes to Junior it doesn’t hurt anymore. In fact, I’ve finally let go and moved on. I have been filled with the time and attention I so greatly desire. I don’t want to get carried away. In the past I’ve thought I had finally found my something special and he turned out to be a toad.

I’m not going into detail about it right now. It’s too soon. My sister always said keep somethings to yourself. Just me mentioning it is bad enough. We are taking things slow. Lord willing, we have got plenty of time. Now I just need to find a place to stay. I’ve been with my momma since September 1 and she is tired of us. She not used to people staying this long. For me I like my own space. She has a lot of rules. I itch when I go to the restroom and when I fix something to eat. I know it’s my OCD. I cringed at the things I see sometimes. He’ll I was like that on Sumter Avenue. I don’t correct nothing because she set in her ways. I’m not trying to disturb anything. It’s reasons she does the things she do and I’m not messing with nothing of hers. As far as the dude that was in my lift, I want to be done with him. He is not worthy of me. I almost feel obligated because he’s done so much for me. Lately he has been slacking. He just gives instructions. I don’t want that. I want him to do it. He is always doing something for someone else. He had o ne job Tuesday and he half assed at that. What do I need him for. He acted as if I didn’t break things off with him. I’ve told him many times. I can’t with him.  He always act like nothing’s a big deal. I don’t want him. Not interested in any way. He is not worthy. Nothing has changed with Kash. Luckily, I saw they were having a book fair. I went to the school so he could get something. He was happy. He told me they block me. He called me a few times from a tablet. I’d watch him play the game. My boy so grown up. I love him. I always used to feel like something was missing. I felt lost. It is not the case anymore. My lonely days are gone. It’s a much better feeling. Long time coming. Thank you, Lord. I love you.

2024 - A lil too personal. No one reads my blog anyway.

Going into this new year with a clean slate. Roster about to be vacant. Just as soon as dude gets back from home. I can’t deal with how he wants to live his life. I don’t have too. Just like he doesn’t have to change his ways for me to stick around. I’m going to try and bow out gracefully but because I’m so jealous, can’t see myself doing that. I want to make a big deal of it. I don’t want him to try to reason with me. It’s lies. He will never stop chasing “stuff”. I like attention and I will never get that from him.  I get what he identifies as moments. I deserve so much more. It's now been a week since I heard from him. Part of me wants to call him just to see what the hell is going on. What is his explanation for ghosting me. There is nothing he can say that will make me understand. My phone been off for two days. Another reason why I'm cutting him loose. That girl is the third reason. It's about five altogether, maybe more. But I'm so serious. I can't go on like this.  There was another guy who liked me too. So he said but I let him know that I'm NOT ready for a sexual relationship. Especially not with him. I didn't tell him that part. I need some excitement in my life and he ain't it. Plus he don't spend money. He got a good job. Good catch for someone, just not me. I don't think his words match his actions. I called Junior phone on my birthday. I was able to get out one sentence before he hung up on me. I got my feelings hurt. I said, "today my birthday". I should have said the other three words. I was caught off guard because he answered. I called from my work phone. I'll never do that again. I have been having a rough time since October. Actually June when I lost my job. I feel shaded by my family. Even my boys treat me like crap most of the time. Only one who shows me love is Adrianna. Consistent and nonstop. I've fallen back from everyone. My family even notices it and of course they taking it personal. But I'm just reciprocating what I feel from them. 

January 10, 2024

My grandbabies are a bright spot but I can't see them like I want. Maybe my expectations are too high. I really want to just stay in that back room with my candle, my beer, and my rolled up in my blanket. Good food when I want it and my medicine when I need. Maybe a cigar here and there with a sip of E&J from my uncle. Lol.

Just A Little Tenderness

Netanyia Golden Samuel loves Isiah Hudley, Jr. this 6^th day of December in the year of 2023.  I keep saying for my birthday I want to see him. I don’t need to say anything to him. I just want to witness his beautiful presence and say, “there goes My Hero, My Man, My Love”. I always loved to just look at him. It made him uncomfortable. I just couldn’t help it. I was amazed by him, mesmerized by his aura. I’d give almost anything to feel his tenderness. Me sitting between his legs with his arms wrapped around me. My head on his chest, my face touching his. His soft kisses on my temple. His hands on my thighs. I can hear him saying, “you know you my baby”. Remembering him when he tell me he’ll never forget. Believing when we were apart, he was missing me. I don’t really know what to do with myself. I knew this would be hard to deal with. Especially having to restrain from acting on my emotions. Every single day I say, “I miss my man” or “I need my man”. It so hard because it’s not like he’s dead. He is 40 minutes down the road. I think my car stays down just so I can’t waste my gas going to his town.  I used to go once a month. Anyway, I was bored and thinking about him.  This is a tough month for him. His dad died on Dec. 10.A grandmother he loved dearly passed Dec. 27. Then it’s my birthday that I’m sure he tries not to think of. Maybe he did forget that. The one bright thing is his son’s birthday which is Dec. 8. I'm done, peace out. What do the lonely do at Christmas? I love decorating but other than that it’s just another shitty day in suck city. Bah motherfucking hum-bug.

It brings a tear
Into my eyes
When I begin
To realize
I've cried so much
Since you've been gone
I guess I'll drown in my own tears

I sit and cry
Just like a child
My pouring tears
Are runnin' wild
If you don't think
You'll be home soon
I guess I'll drown, oh yes, in my own tears

I know it's true
Into each life
Oh, some rain, rain must pour
I'm so blue
Here without you
It keeps raining
More and more

Why don't you
Come on home
Oh yes, so I won't
Be all alone
If you don't think
You'll be home soon

I guess I'll (drown in my own tears)
Ooh, don't let me (drown in my own tears)
When I'm in trouble, baby (drown in my own tears)
Oh, yeah, baby don't let me (drown in my own tears)
I guess I'll drown in my own tears
Oh, hmmm

 

 

 

This would be me because I love him and he don't love me. He never will.

 

Letter to the man who treated me as an option

If I had to describe what I experienced with you with a single word, that word would definitely be “wait”.

I was always waiting for something: that you are ready, that you stop being afraid of engagement, that you answer my messages, that you call me, that you choose me, that you are sure about us and, the list can go on and on.

If I had let you continue in and out of my life, I would still be waiting.

I could have given us millions of chances and maybe I did, I think the result would have been the same – it would never have worked because you would never have changed, you never would never have loved as I deserved, as I loved you.

Saying this does not make things easier but allows me to face reality once and for all.

I wasted too much time, hoping that you would eventually come, see me and understand how good we could have been together if you had given us a chance.

But you have never been able to, have you? You were emotionally disturbed, so scared of love that your only option was to keep me as far from your heart as possible.

You never talked too much, not important things at least. But those rare occasions when you opened up to me were the ones that pushed me to fall in love with you.

You hugged me so tightly, kissed me so passionately that I couldn’t help but think that you had sincere feelings for me. On those rare occasions, you were everything I had always dreamed of but the rest of the time, you were so distant …

I believe you did what was necessary to keep me close to you, but never close enough. This “necessary” worked for a while.

You knew you could always come back to me, no matter how many days we hadn’t seen each other, you knew I couldn’t do anything, except to let come back. You saw how deep my love was and you benefited from it.

I have never been the first of your priorities and it is something that you have proven to me a thousand times through your words and your actions. I was satisfied with crumbs, crumbs of attention and affection.

It was my biggest mistake, because I allowed you to treat me poorly. By being satisfied with this, I have become a simple option and it is impossible to accept being less than that in the eyes of someone who is our priority.

By being content with far less than I deserved, I never stopped hurting myself. By staying by your side, I never stopped breaking my own heart.

You kept telling me the stories I wanted to hear.

The most frequent being the one in which we end up together, one day when the timing is right; why spoil what we had, why need a label, why would people need to know about us.

You never stopped telling me about it and I kept believing you and even today, I don’t know why.

I suppose that when our heart is too invested, we cannot count on our common sense or our own eyes to see reality in the face.

My tears, many tears were the only thing capable of opening my eyes. As soon as I thought of you, I felt like I had hit a brick wall.

I gave you everything from me, my love, my understanding, my respect and my commitment and you never tried to do the same. You just took me for granted and assumed I would always be there.

Trust me, I thought the same thing for a while. But there was a revealing moment, which allowed me to see clearly.

It allowed me to understand that, if I stayed with you, in this atmosphere of “emotional lift”, I would fall ill.

Whenever I felt like we were going somewhere, you let me down. Whenever I believed in your promises, you disappointed me.

Whenever I was happy with something you had done, I paid the price in pain. That’s why, I had to put an end to it all.

I had to stop letting you treat me like this. I had to have enough respect for myself not to allow you to come back. I had to stop wasting my time and realize that you would never be ready.

I had to protect my heart because it couldn’t bear you to keep going in and out of my life.

I had to put my feelings for you aside and remember what I deserved. I had to move away from you to find myself, love myself and be happy again.

I had to become my first priority for you to stop treating me as an option.

My Man

MIND YOUR BUSINESS!!!!

Do You Wanna Ride

Life is a highway we travel daily. These dudes they don’t want to ride so you just pick them up and put them out along the way. They not going anywhere, they have no destination, they not trying to ride life with you. They for everybody and when you put them out they wait for the next car to come along.   

Do you wanna ride with me?

Don't Disturb My Groove

I'm sure you guys have read something similar to this somewhere: If a woman gives you a chance, please make the most of it. Do not disturb her peace with your silly school boy games. Let her be. If you start serious, stay serious. Woman love consistency. No flip floppers. No back and forth. If you mess up, you may never get another chance. A strong woman never needs a man. She is not desperate for the attention like you think she is. A strong woman can entertain herself, if she chooses too. Another point, never think you are smarter than she is. She will play you and show you just how ignorant you are. Never try to manipulate her or make her think she crazy. We can show you crazy but a lot of us have great restraint because we know you are not worth it. We have pride too. I know this isn't all women. Some of you are desperate and will let a man play you, dogg you, and cheat on you in your face. You not me; bless your heart.

Bored - Trying to write. No bueno.

 

I haven’t written in so long. I don’t make the time. Today I’m in my feelings about Robin. It seems like I’m the only one who’s willing to remember her. I can’t ever forget the times we had. I don’t hurt like I used to. I have made peace with Tiffany but as I said a million times, I miss my friend. Like My Daddy, I knew she loved me. She as a constant in my life. No matter where or what was going on in our separate lives she was always my best friend. I’m upset but I’ll keep this to myself because I truly feel like no one understands or as if I’m wrong to hold on. It just somethings-some people I can’t let go of. Like Tank. His birthday is next month but I promise every end of September all through October to November is a tough time for me. I lost Tank and I lost Junior. With Junior it was our beginning and end. Then we had a second end in January.  So the lost is too much sometimes. Combined with how I feel about myself, my relationship status. When you dealing with someone and they tell you, you’ll find someone someday. I can’t stand that. It makes me feel like I’m not worthy. I’m not happy at all with my relationship status. I’m single but I got entanglements. I was happier when I was celibate. I was very proud of myself then. I don’t want to let the money go. I always said love or money. I’m still struggling though. I shouldn’t be.  Damn sure need a new job. I need a $15 per hour job doing nothing. Clearly I need my journal because I can’t say what I want to say.  I can say how much I still think about Junior. Nothing has changed for me when it comes to him.  I still hope he finds his way back to me. I still love him, miss him, love, desire him, crave for him.  Did I say I still love him? No one else matters, no other love can measure. For him it’s just like Robin. I can’t ever forget.

He Don't Like You - By: Me

I like to write but I don’t think that qualifies me as a writer. I wrote this trying to train my brain to stop thinking about Junior. It’s reminds me of a poem by Maya Angelou, I Hate to Lose Something.

Junior does not like you; 

He don’t like you. 

Don’t call him;

He don’t like you. 

He don’t want you calling him; 

He don’t like you at all. 

He can’t tolerate you; 

He can’t nothing with you. 

Leave him alone; 

He don’t like you. 

Do not call his job; 

He don’t like you. 

Do not email him; 

He don’t like you. 

Do not look for him when you’re in his town; 

He don’t like you. 

Do not react to anything pertaining to him; 

He don’t like you. 

Do not react to any memory of him; 

He don’t like you. 

No one wants to hear you talk about your love for him. 

Nothing about him interests any of your friends. They don’t want to hear that shit; 

Cause they know he don’t like you. 

Just stop it; damn, just stop it. 

He don’t like you.

-Netanyia Samuel

May 5, 2021

Five days before his 50th birthday.